Warning: Downer Post

Further warning: there's a lot of trying-to-conceive stuff below.  If you aren't interested, check in next post.

Between the 4 funerals, miscarriage, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, I've been a bit distracted.  Add in attempting to make a baby, and my little outlet here has suffered.  Really, does that make any sense?  When I MOST need to vent and work things out, I stop blogging?  Seems dumb.

So my doctors pretty much did what I said they would, which is to say they did nothing and wished me luck this month.  Assholes.  (Not really, I love my OB -- she's awesome -- but I really need someone to give a damn at some point.)  I had my annual checkup the day I ovulated and really wouldn't have known that I was otherwise because my stupid Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBFM) decided this would be a fantastic month to just MISS the Luteinizing Hormone (LH) surge.  Awesomesauce.

Oh, she also did say something about it being "strange" that I seemed to have a chemical pregnancy before each of my full-term pregnancies, and now another one, but that since they weren't consecutive she really couldn't refer me for any testing yet.  Yup, I know.  Go lose another one and give us a call, right?  Anyway...

So we managed to do a great job doing what we're supposed to do at the times we were supposed to and my Basal Body Temperature (BBT) chart looks fantastic and, since I've never NOT gotten pregnant when trying (and even when not trying...), everything should be great, right?

Well, no.

With Isaac, I tested positive at 9 days past ovulation (DPO).  The chemical pregnancy (CP) before him was around 10 DPO and this last one was at 11 DPO.  All are early positives.  So I started testing at 9 DPO this time, every day through today (12 DPO) and they're all negative.  80% of positives are found by this point (more when using the early tests as I am) and, well, I guess I'm not.

I'm kind of floored.  I've been having symptoms (nausea, breast tenderness, and exhaustion).  Really?  Nothing?  I'd seriously prefer another CP because then I could have my doctor order some testing.

I've been pretty down on myself to begin with, with not being able to find a job or do much of anything, but I could always get pregnant.  Apparently that isn't the case anymore, either.  I'm feeling like a complete failure and I'm not sure I want to try anymore.  Maybe everyone's right, that I should just be happy with the two babies I have.  But I'm feeling seriously discouraged and empty and just don't want to even think about having to do all of this again.

Sigh.

The good news is that the 3 bottles of wine I got for Christmas will be put to excellent use over the weekend.  And my husband doesn't drink wine.

Awesome Avery

OK, deep breath....back to normal.  Kinda.

I needed a happy post and a kitchen spill this morning gave me the perfect topic: my gorgeous little girl, Avery (I'll 'splain).

Quick birth story...  I actually went into labor with Avery while visiting my newborn niece, Riley, and her mom in the hospital.  Well, I lost my mucous plug and the contractions were noticeable.  (Did I gross you out?  Good.  It's a MOM blog, for goodness sake; of COURSE I'm going to talk about that stuff!)  But the contractions were far apart and irregular, so we went home, went to bed and assumed it was another (after 3 already) false alarm.  The next day, I couldn't pee and the contractions were still there, if still irregular.  Called the doc, they said I was dilating and to head to the hospital.  Went to the hospital, they hooked me up to stuff I didn't want hooked up to.  Epidural ran out, second one was screwed up, third (yes third) only kinda sorta worked.  After 26 hours, I was only 7.5 cm dilated (from the 4 when I checked in) and they pushed for a c-section.  Funny thing is, she apparently dropped while I was waiting for the OR.  She was so low, the doctor cut her nose during the incision.  So her first cry was while she was still inside me.  Weird, but kind of awesome, too.

Which is Avery in a nutshell.  She's a strange, fascinating child.  After my PPD and her colic, she was a pretty easy baby, and remains a pretty easy-to-please kid.  Just some of the reasons that I find her so awesome:

1.  She's an amazing big sister.  Most parents worry about changing that first-child dynamic when bringing another baby into the world.  She took to it like a fish to water.  Her personality was always a little more mature, but she's patient and helpful and still the irritating big sister she's supposed to be.  Most importantly, she adores Isaac.  I find her having the same exasperated-humored reactions to him that I do and I know that, despite the fact that he's a bothersome little brother, she loves him as much as Chris and I do.

2. She loves to help out.  The cat spilled water today and, while I was content to just let it dry 'cause I had stuff to do, she said, "I'll take care of it, Mama!" and grabbed the mop.  She does this all the time.  For a while, Isaac would only let her wipe his face and she was the only one who could get him to lie down for a diaper change without a fuss.  When dinner is being made, she's right there helping (usually Daddy) out.  When there's yardwork to be done, she wants to know what she can do (shovel, rake, sweep...).  Coolest to me is her willingness to clean up the stuff that I find gross, like cat hairballs, without batting an eyelash. ;-)

3. She's so loving.  She gives fantastic hugs.  When anybody is sad (and Mommy had a few moments last week), she's quick to climb up on their lap and comfort them (or, if it's Isaac, snuggle up beside him).  With two funerals in the family the week before my m/c, she knew her "job" was to simply hang out and give hugs.  (As I'm typing this, she's playing with her Tag Reader.  She stopped and said, "Mama, I love you.....sometimes all day!")  

4.  She's got an awesome brain.  She asks great questions.  For example, she's already asked where babies come from (she has a general idea; I haven't gotten into specifics).  She observes things in nature and wants to know more about them, like where the sun goes at night (a different part of the world) and why clouds sometimes have rain and sometimes don't..  But she remembers this stuff.  They say kids' minds are like sponges, but she memorizes lines for plays in an hour (her teacher has remarked on this) and remembers something I told her a year ago at appropriate moments now.  She truly amazes me with her thought processes.

5.  She's the little girl I never knew I wanted needed.  I was pretty freaked out when I was unexpectedly pregnant.  Then, I was hoping for a boy because that's what I knew (I have 2 brothers and 6 male cousins). When we found out we were having a girl, I told my husband as we were leaving the u/s that he was going to have to teach me what the hell to do with her (he had a few nieces at that point, one of which he had helped raise for a few years).  I was a tomboy, late to the fashion/makeup game, and ambivalent about mommyhood at all.  Not a great mix.  But she's amazing.  She thinks so much like me sometimes, even her tantrums amuse me and I relate to why she's upset.  It's one of those "kindred spirit" situations; I get her and she, somehow in her childlike way, gets me better than my husband does sometimes.  I really am a better person for having her.

As I listen to her making up songs (which she does all the time) and entertain her brother and tell stories and create games -- things she does all day, every day -- all I can do is sit back and smile.  We have very serious conversations about what snack she's taking in for school ("I need to remember my crackers...  No, wait.  What am I taking?  Oh, that's right.  Now...what's on them?") and silly conversations about serious topics ("Mommy, why do you love us?  Even when Isaac's stinky?")  She tells me what she needs ("Mommy, I need a kiss on my scratch.") and I do my best to provide those things.  And she's one of my favorite people...ever.