Isaac is 3

My husband is a cuddler.  I am not.  I actually kind of hate cuddling.  I don't like being touched and, perhaps, there's a sensory disorder there waiting to be diagnosed because touching for more than about the length of a short hug makes my skin crawl.  I do not spoon in bed.  I have trouble snuggling on the sofa watching a romantic movie.  Chris settles for my foot touching his leg as we sleep and the occasional head on his shoulder.  Avery's like me in this sense, if a bit less pathological about it, happily settling for a hug when she feels like it and a smooch if she gets a scrape.

Isaac needs held.  He has since he was born.  "Cry it out" was never an option, as he would rather have made himself sick crying than get tired to fall asleep.  Worse, after one go of that, I felt awful about it and never tried it again.  I found various baby slings and harnesses and he was attached to either Chris or I until he decided it was fun to walk.  But even then he checks in, by crawling on our laps, giving a hug and kiss, then merrily getting back on his way.

His need for physical affection is probably equal to my natural disdain for it.  And yet, since he's mine and I made him and he's perfect, I magically got over my discomfort.  He could sit with me for hours (and has) and sleep on my arm as it falls asleep when I need to be doing a million other things; some long-hidden gene activates and I am content.

Isaac means "he will laugh."  It's amazing to me how the name we picked months before he was born fits him so perfectly.  He's such a wonderful, happy little boy.  I'm happy just to see his smiling face, never mind what is going on in my life that he couldn't possibly understand.  He is silly without really trying, yet knows exactly how to make others laugh when he wants to be the center of attention.

Isaac is my baby.  Yes, he's actually my youngest, but even when he grows up, even if he becomes a big brother someday, even if I had 10 more kids and he actually wound up being one of my oldest children, he would still be my baby.

Happy birthday, little man.

Second Verse, Same as the First

Or, in this case, the fourth.

Another miscarriage.  This one discovered at 9 1/2 weeks.  The baby was only measuring 7 weeks and there wasn't a heartbeat.

First of all, I need to find a much better doctor in the Pittsburgh area.  I know mine are respected, but when a woman has had multiple miscarriages, you don't blow her off when there isn't a heartbeat at 6 weeks, telling her it's normal.  You follow up to make her feel better, because her fears are completely founded.  You especially follow up when, also at that ultrasound, a subchorionic hematoma was discovered, in order to make sure that it's reabsorbing, not simply telling the patient that "most disappear; I'm sure yours is already gone"  Yup, it was. Along with my baby.

I have a D&C scheduled on Monday, providing nothing happens over the weekend.  I must "request" that my doctor send the recovered tissue (sorry, I have to dissociate...) for pathology and genetics.  If my body does finally figure out what the hell it was supposed to do over a week ago in the next few days, the only way for me to get that testing is if I recover that tissue myself.  Not. Going. To. Happen.

I'm an emotional wreck, obviously.  My poor husband is upset, too, and doesn't know what to do or say.  He's been wonderful, telling our family and taking over much of the child-rearing duties while I wallow in my misery.

I still have pregnancy symptoms, which seems completely unfair.  I've heard that those may stay for up to a week after the D&C.

I thank God that we hadn't told the kids yet.  We were going to tell them today, after my first appointment.  I had to request the ultrasound (I still wouldn't have known, otherwise...).  I can't imagine telling the kids and then explaining what happened.

So now, like many people who have been trying to get pregnant without success, all I can do is try to figure out my "next step."  I know I should be dealing with this first, but if I don't look ahead, I'll truly fall apart.  I need to know that there is a reason for this.  And while I'm terrified of trying again and losing again, I'm also desperate to try again in order to make this loss (and the last one) "mean" something.  I wouldn't have Avery without my first m/c; I wouldn't have Isaac without my second.  So, I'm attempting to take it one day at a time.....one hour at a time....

It's so hard to do when I want my results cradled in my arms right now.