Warning: Downer Post

Further warning: there's a lot of trying-to-conceive stuff below.  If you aren't interested, check in next post.

Between the 4 funerals, miscarriage, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, I've been a bit distracted.  Add in attempting to make a baby, and my little outlet here has suffered.  Really, does that make any sense?  When I MOST need to vent and work things out, I stop blogging?  Seems dumb.

So my doctors pretty much did what I said they would, which is to say they did nothing and wished me luck this month.  Assholes.  (Not really, I love my OB -- she's awesome -- but I really need someone to give a damn at some point.)  I had my annual checkup the day I ovulated and really wouldn't have known that I was otherwise because my stupid Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBFM) decided this would be a fantastic month to just MISS the Luteinizing Hormone (LH) surge.  Awesomesauce.

Oh, she also did say something about it being "strange" that I seemed to have a chemical pregnancy before each of my full-term pregnancies, and now another one, but that since they weren't consecutive she really couldn't refer me for any testing yet.  Yup, I know.  Go lose another one and give us a call, right?  Anyway...

So we managed to do a great job doing what we're supposed to do at the times we were supposed to and my Basal Body Temperature (BBT) chart looks fantastic and, since I've never NOT gotten pregnant when trying (and even when not trying...), everything should be great, right?

Well, no.

With Isaac, I tested positive at 9 days past ovulation (DPO).  The chemical pregnancy (CP) before him was around 10 DPO and this last one was at 11 DPO.  All are early positives.  So I started testing at 9 DPO this time, every day through today (12 DPO) and they're all negative.  80% of positives are found by this point (more when using the early tests as I am) and, well, I guess I'm not.

I'm kind of floored.  I've been having symptoms (nausea, breast tenderness, and exhaustion).  Really?  Nothing?  I'd seriously prefer another CP because then I could have my doctor order some testing.

I've been pretty down on myself to begin with, with not being able to find a job or do much of anything, but I could always get pregnant.  Apparently that isn't the case anymore, either.  I'm feeling like a complete failure and I'm not sure I want to try anymore.  Maybe everyone's right, that I should just be happy with the two babies I have.  But I'm feeling seriously discouraged and empty and just don't want to even think about having to do all of this again.

Sigh.

The good news is that the 3 bottles of wine I got for Christmas will be put to excellent use over the weekend.  And my husband doesn't drink wine.

Let's Get It On

I'm convinced EVERY couple has some sort of issue when it comes to the bedroom.  The most vocal of us (yes, us) seem to be the ones who aren't getting enough sex, which experts will say is not only a symptom of problems in the relationship but of society in general.  But we all know people who have problems with their significant other because somebody, be it one or both, is having too much sex.  Am I right?  Seriously.

So I'm a Serial Googler.  Anything that pops into my head, I look up.  I'm sure it drives my doctors insane.  After another group, estrogen-fueled rant with friends about not getting enough from the relationship (apparently, a LOT of us had some "discussions" with our significant others last night), I felt the need to do some research.

But in looking up advice, I stumble across this.  This is the advice men are giving to each other.  Which, really, in a general, anatomical sense, isn't inaccurate.  But it's missing the boat.  Those are the targets to find, but if Chica's pissed that you forgot to pick up the diapers you promised 15 times you wouldn't forget, or you didn't come home on time....again.....no amount of stimulation is gonna get you a happy ending.  Capiche???  Use that checklist after the action's started.

I've got good news and bad news for all of our husbands, then.  The good news is that the research has been completed and we know the key to a woman's...ahem, chastity belt?...has been discovered.  The bad news is that the 15 minutes of foreplay guys used to complain about?  It's now been extended to days weeks whatever it takes.  A happy, loved woman who feels good about herself is more likely to create a happy, loved, satisfied partner.

Oh, and since I really can't help you with your specific issues, I've gone to my beloved Dr. Oz for some personalized information.  Check out this little quiz.  I mean, maybe, possibly, we could be partially to blame for our issues, right?

And if all else fails, girls?  I can offer some names of companies that do great sex toy parties... 

Caution: Mom at Work

Let's just jump right into some controversy, okay?  It seems like other people are afraid to say this, but I know I'm not the only one feeling it, based on some conversations I've had. 


So...deep breath: I hate being a stay-at-home mom.  There, I said it.  Not a "mom," mind you.  I love being a mom.  It's the SAH part that gets me.


Today, a friend made a comment on Facebook about people thinking that being a stay-at-home mom is easy and that those people either aren't one or aren't good ones.  That's pretty critical, and I don't really want to get into that debate.  I certainly do think it's hard as hell meeting everyone else's demands each day, ignoring my own, having any sense of a schedule destroyed by someone who refuses to nap or eat or leave his damn diaper on, eating while doing 10 other things if I remember/am allowed to eat at all, and not having a hot cup of coffee in 4.25 years of mornings...  Sigh.

Frustrations aside, I'll still go all "Mama Bear" for these two, got it?

I was, however, struck by a follow-up comment criticizing people who say they're "just" stay-at-home moms.  Well, I'm one of those people and I feel the need to defend myself, even if it is behind the shield of a blog so as to avoid a FB comment war (you know the ones...).


I was raised around women who worked.  My mom had me while she was still in college.  She finished and stayed at home while I was little, but I really don't remember those days.  I do remember her going back to school for a teaching degree, starting to sub, and getting a job.  I also remember that my grandmother worked her entire life, even earning her MSN, back when women didn't do that.  All of my aunts worked, including one who was VP of a rehab center; when she "gave up" her career to raise her two boys, all I heard was criticism from the family about that decision.

I'd show you the diplomas, but they're in a box in the attic...

My point is that I was raised to NOT be a stay-at-home mom.  I was taught, from an early age, that it is my responsibility to support my family financially.  Everything I've ever heard or seen tells me that I'm not being as good a wife and mother because I have my degrees and am not doing all I can to support my husband and kids.  Yes, I was raised to think like a man, apparently.  Pride was a hard-working woman with well-behaved kids.


I know that many people disagree with that -- hell, I wish I DIDN'T feel that way and could be as happy being at home as some of my friends are -- and I know that raising kids is a hugely important job.  I just have decades of words and actions in my head that I feel like I'm constantly fighting.


This, by the way, is one of the main reasons I have trouble being around other SAHMs.  I'm miserable being at home; I just wasn't prepared for it and keep thinking of all the fun spreadsheets and presentations and meetings I could be a part of (I know, it's an illness).  These friends, however, seem content, organized, happy, prepared... everything I'm not.  I adore my children, who make me laugh and are fascinating little people, but my sense of fulfillment is met with team recognition, a paycheck, my name on a project, closing a deal...things that are distant memories on days that I'm continually changing diapers, picking up toys, and wiping faces after meals.  I miss my heels and suits and handshakes and $4 coffees.

My former "work" side of the closet: empty hangers and shoes I never use.

So no, being a SAHM is NOT easy.  It's a lot of work and sacrifice and there's never a day off (if I'm puking and feverish, I still have to take care of the kids; I'd kill for a sick day).  But even a SAHM may not value what she's doing if she wasn't raised to value it.  While I avoid saying I'm "just" a stay-at-home mom to avoid the ire of the super women around me, I know that there are enough other people around me who see me as "just" that.

At least I know I'm doing something right.