Thermal Imaging Wake-up

I installed an app a while back that gives me access to local emergency scanners, because in this rural-turning-suburban area, I NEVER seem to know what the hell is going on and everyone else does.  But it also gives me access to myriad other stations across the country.  It also has a feature that alerts me when the number of listeners reaches a certain number.

Now, I normally turn off the sound on my phone at night, but forgot to do so last night.  So I woke up to this:


sonofabitch.............

I'm so tired.

I'm tired of hearing horrible things.  I'm tired of hatred and anger and yelling and intolerance and over-sensitivity.

I'm tired of SEEING horrible things.  I don't want to see the body of the dead 3-year-old refugee baby washed up on the beach.  I don't want to watch an innocent protester get brained with rocks.  I don't want to see an innocent, UNARMED French police officer shot by terrorists who stormed into a room full of newspaper employees to kill as many of them as possible, having gained entry by threatening the child of another employee who happened to bring her daughter to work that day.

And I'm tired of breaking news that makes me feel....resigned.  I'm not surprised anymore.  I'm practically numb and left more aware of an evening news broadcast that's full of NO news than one that is full of bad.

And yet I'm more scared than ever.

I'm afraid to walk away from my children for more than a second, both out of fear of something awful happening to them and out of fear that someone will report me for "neglect" in that moment.

I'm afraid of offending someone with an innocent comment, a funny meme, a simple opinion.  And boy, is an opinion part of my genetic makeup.

I'm afraid for my friends who have had altercations with out-of-control cops.  And for my relatives and friends who ARE cops.

I'm afraid of what is going to make me NOT surprised next.

Yet, I know it will happen sooner rather than later.

Reactivate Thoughts

This page has laid dormant for far too long.  I can't believe it's been nearly a year!  Apparently my brother-in-law said to my husband, "I really can't believe she doesn't have a blog..."

WELL I DO.

I've just been....distracted?  Lazy?  Busy?  Yeah.  All of the above.

We're up to four kids now.  Insane, right?  Ten pregnancies, 4 take-home babies, 2 spouses permanently "fixed," and a partridge on a tight budget in a small house.  Four is enough for us.  Well, under our current circumstances.  I seem to have lost my mind and would LOVE two more: larger house and lottery win or drastic income increase required).  But honestly, I can't put myself through any more losses.  So, if the unimaginable were to happen, part of that money, due to both logistics and heartbreak, would also go to IVF.  Assuming the husband also got over his current "No. F*cking. Way" stance.

Blackmail and alcohol would probably need to be involved.

But here's the thing: I don't just want this place to be an infertility/RPL or Mommy Blog.  I'm just not that kind of woman, having constant sadness to rehash, kid stories, or cute crafts to share.  Yes, I'll probably share some cooking stuff, because I love to cook and I'm pretty good at it and, let's be honest, I love to show off my fancy stuff.  But my reality is that I'm in need of a full-time job, I have constant home projects going on, I'm highly opinionated about politics and news stories, I love making my daughter's hair into fancy braids, I have relationship and body-image stresses like everyone else, I have products and companies with which sudden obsessions that need to be shared manifest, I have a BSBA in Marketing, an MBA in Strategic Management and an analytical brain that need an outlet, and sometimes I just get bored and need to ramble about observations or experiences that I've had.

So let's just say that this could become a clusterf*ck of posts about the most random of things.  Welcome to my brain.