Monday, November 7, 2011

Mind on a Baby, and a Baby on My Mind

Nope.  Not pregnant yet.

But now that we know Baby #3 is in the near future, my tendency toward over-researching topics has found a new topic to dissect.  Despite my relative expertise on the topic, I'm finding all sorts of things I need advice and reassurance about.

1. Am I really ready for this?  I mean, really?!
Since having baby #1, I always knew there'd be a baby #3.  My parents were both the oldest of three, as was I, and my husband is the 3rd of 4 kids.  Once I decided I wanted kids at all, I wanted to have more than one for a sibling, and 3 just felt more natural to me than two because it's what I know.  So, logically, I know that I am ready to have another child because I made the biggest part of the decision long before now.
But now that it's so much more real, I'm freaking out a little.  Will my older two be okay?  Can we afford another one?  Is our house big enough?  Questions that I've already thought through and problems that I've already solved, but I look up people in similar situations just to reassure and, in some instances, further prepare myself.

2. Telling our family.
My in-laws will not be AT ALL surprised when we announce a pregnancy.  They will be thrilled for us and excited for another grandchild.  Pretty normal reactions and I welcome their support WHOLE-freakin'-HEARTEDLY.
My family?  Well, let's just say that they haven't learned that some things aren't any of their damn business, nor are their opinions welcome.  Honestly, if I could just skip telling them, I would.  I'd much rather do the Facebook announcement to distant friends and relatives than tell my family.  Avery was unplanned, so they still seem to think that we are irresponsible about getting pregnant.  When we told them Isaac was on the way, I was asked if I really thought that was a good idea, whether it was "another accident," and told that THEY thought we should have waited longer.  Wow.  Thanks.  Then, when Isaac was born, my mother was so upset that we didn't tell her about the c-section and let her know everything that was going on, that she didn't come to the hospital to meet her grandson when we called.  Pretty sure my husband will never forgive that.  And last week, one of my brothers made a comment about the fact that I, "keep popping out kids."  Really, asshole?  I have two.  And I'm 31 years old.  Furthermore, a few of the women in my family have said we should just be happy with what we have and stop because we have one of each.  Because, obviously, motherhood is all about symmetry....  No wonder I have such skewed views of being a mom.  I have such screwed-up role models.
So, yeah.  Not thrilled about that.  I'm seriously leaning toward the picture-text of an ultrasound or pregnancy test to tell them.  Really.  Not kidding.

3. Getting pregnant in the first place
Yes, I know how it works.  But for some reason I'm still afraid I'm going to have trouble getting pregnant.  It's never been a problem before, but I still find myself looking up stuff I already know (cycle length, hormones, timing, etc.) to assure myself that I'm not screwing things up.  I even bought a fertility monitor because I managed to convince myself that my cycle is wonky.  I'd feel worse about the expense if it wasn't for my learning that my cycle is, in fact, on the fritz since I had my IUD out...

4. Staying pregnant
We've had two miscarriages (one before Avery and one between Ave and Isaac) and I'm truly terrified of having another.  The feelings of guilt and anger and emptiness are horrible, never mind the physical pain.  Chris doesn't have any idea how to make me feel better, though he really tries, and I feel worse about the fact that I'm not helping him through it...  I hate this topic and really try not to think about it at all, but when it pops into my head, it digs itself in and scares the crap out of me.

5. Childbirth
I've had 2 c-sections and will be trying a VBA2C this time around.  Uncharted territory for most women and their doctors.  I'm apprehensive, but I really think it is the right choice given our circumstances (long stories, which will need to be discussed in a later post).

6.  I'm getting old
I know, I'm really not.  But I've begun to appreciate my two kiddos being old enough to do things for themselves and almost being out of diapers.  The thought of the sleepless nights and work involved with an infant is exhausting...not enough to outweigh the wonderfulness of a baby.  It wouldn't surprise me if this wound up being our last, though.

So that's where my head is.  In all the important ways, I'm sure this is the right thing to do.  But, like when deciding to have Isaac, I've already started second-guessing all of those decisions...which, I suppose, is a lot like being a mom in the first place. ;-)

No comments:

Post a Comment